The Onion on the Midwest Mumps Epidemic

The number of mumps cases has grown to more than 1,100 across eight Midwestern states in the largest outbreak in nearly two decades. What do you think?

 

Young Man

Sam Wilson,
Baker
"Finally. God has seen fit to punish Midwesterners for their depraved, decadent 'lifestyle.'"

Young Woman

Becky Anderson,
Beautician
"Because of the swollen glands, we should also see a spike in Godfather impressions."

Asian Man

Vlad Paretski,
Herpetologist
"Every time a deadly disease affects people in the Midwest, you hear
about it in the news. It's like New York and Los Angeles don't even
exist."

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